I’m not your friend…

As a parent of 4 children, 2 stepchildren and 5 grandchildren, I have learned a few things over the years. Top that off with being a single parent for most of my children’s lives and it only added to the lessons. Today when I see the issues with how children are being raised, first I cringe and second, I see what is causing a lot of the problems.

First and foremost, you are not your child’s friend. You are the parent. Too many parents now are worried about their child getting their feelings hurt and not liking the parent. Guess what? That is part of life, getting your feelings hurt. By being the parent and setting clear boundaries with consequences for crossing the line, you are doing your child a favor and teaching them what they can expect from college, their first job, relationships and beyond. It’s never too late to start.

I remember when my two youngest were about 4 and 5. They went to stay with a family friend for the afternoon while I ran an errand. When I came back, she remarked she was so impressed and said, “They didn’t even go into the fridge without asking.” I was appalled thinking that she obviously had an experience with children that did go into the fridge and proud that what I had been teaching mine from a young age, they had actually absorbed.

It starts when they are young enough to understand “please” and “thank you”, as well as the parent returning respect with “you’re welcome”. It is called expectations. By starting early, you instill manners and how to behave outside their own home. As they got older, being a single parent and my word being the final say, my children understood they could argue their case with me in private BUT…the minute they got nasty or once I made my decision, the discussion was over and that was final. And they knew that arguing behavior was not to be carried outside the home. Did they slip up? Of course, they were children. But consequences were swift and appropriate to the mistake. Now I am proud when I go to a store with my adult son and hear him say “yes, Ma’am” to the cashier and “thank you” when he is done.

When my husband and I started seeing each other, his children were 10 and 12. It was apparent that they had never been taught basic manners and seemed to feel they were entitled and above even basic chores. For example, I would cook a meal and never hear a ‘thank you’, then they would get up from the table, leave their plates and go do whatever, leaving clean up to me. After their weekend visit, they never made the bed or asked if it needed stripped. His son actually opened the door and went into a store, letting the door shut in mine and his sister’s faces. More than once, they even broke something at our home and never claimed responsibility or even mentioned it. I didn’t find out until they had left. I finally had enough and told my husband I was not the maid and set the rules for visiting at our house. Today they are grown and seem to have developed a few social skills but still make comments that shows they feel they are special, more special than most. It goes back to a failure to teach those behaviors from an early age.

Second to the lack of manners and how that is handled, I see an absolute lack of social contact between parents and their children. Yes, parents may make sure they have everything they need and want, but most spend no quality time with the child. A video game or money to go to the mall is supposed to suffice. Dinner is seldom a sit down at the table. Memories will be what they remember and it doesn’t have to be a trip to Disney World. Take your child for a picnic in the park, hike some trails or play a board game. And no phones allowed! They may grumble but later they will recall these times when they can’t remember what they got for Christmas that year. During those little trips and fun times is when you can reinforce having respect for the people and world around them. My son was about 12 when we drove by a cemetery where the headstones had been defaced and some even tipped over. He said to me, “Don’t the people who did that care that was someone’s husband, child or grandma?” That’s when you know they are learning right from wrong.

If we want our children to grow up to be adults that we can be proud of, we must due more than just birth them. We must raise them with a conscience, expectations and reverence for the world around them. We must hurt their feelings once in a while and make sure they understand that while they are special to us, they are not stand-outs that the world should bow to. Rules should include showing basic manners, treating the family with respect, so no “I hate you” or hurtful comments to each other. In my house, there was no cursing allowed (that is adult language) and you must earn respect to get respect. No assigned chores were to be met with whining or complaints and offers to help were always welcome. Keep your own room clean and if you want $100+ tennis shoes, you better get a j-o-b! And guess what, they all grew up to be enjoyable adults that now I call my friends!